Pain, Sadness, Joy

Sunday night while playing cards I began to feel cramping but it wasn't painful, just very uncomfortable. It was close to Logan's bedtime so in between one of the rounds I stood up to tell him it was time for bed. I felt this "dropping" sensation and my pants felt instantly wet. I ran upstairs and looked and saw blood - everywhere. I began yelling for Mike to come upstairs and to hurry. He came into the bathroom and the only words I could utter were, "I lost the baby." Mike asked if I was feeling ok and I said yes I felt fine. I began to undress and then climbed into the shower. Mike went downstairs to tell our guests I wasn't feeling well and to put Logan to bed. While I was showering a million thoughts began going through my head.

What had I done wrong? Why me? My pregnancy with Logan went so smoothly, what happened with this one? How can I recover from this? Will I want to get pregnant again? How can I be so sad over someone I never met? Why Me? WHY ME??

Mike waited in the bathroom until I was done. As soon as I came out of the shower he wrapped me in his arms and I just began to sob. I couldn't stop crying and the harder he held me the more I cried. I just wanted to crawl in bed and go to sleep. Only that sleep wouldn't come. As soon as I thought I was ok I would just begin to cry again. My heart was aching and I had no way to fix it.

Monday morning Mike stayed home from work. When I woke up I called the doctor to tell them I needed to come in. When asked why I broke down when I told them I had a miscarriage the previous night. They scheduled me to come in at 1:45 that afternoon. My brother and his friend came over to watch Logan while we went to the doctor. We didn't expect to be that long - what could they do?

While talking with the doctor I explained what had happened - how I knew I had lost the baby. He examined me and said that I had been dialted about 1 cm and my cervix was beginning to close back up. He said from the description Mike & I gave him that it sounded as though I had miscarried but he wanted me to have an ultrasound just to make sure and to see if there was anything remaining that needed to come out. Mike & I shook our heads because we KNEW the ultrasound would show us nothing. I didn't want an ultrasound - why would I want to see where the baby should be, but was now no longer there?

We went back to the waiting room and waited for my name to be called. When we got in the room the ultrasound technician said, "I hear you've had some bleeding." I replied with, "That's an understatement." I didn't expect to see anything good and felt this was such a waste. She put the gel on my belly and as soon as the wand touched my skin we saw something on the monitor. Our baby appeared on the screen, first I saw the head, then a leg, and then I saw an arm. That baby was there and it was moving! I couldn't believe it and I instantly began to cry. She recorded the heartbeat - 167 bpm. As healthy as ever! She knew we weren't expecting that. I couldn't believe it - the joy completely overwhelmed me. She printed out the very first pictures of our little one for us to take.

We met with the doctor one final time and found out that what I experienced was a sort of hemorrage. It happens sometimes to women who are pregnant. The blood was not from the baby or the placenta - it was all mine. It was basically a period that didn't happen. Even the doctor seemed very surprised at the outcome - we were all expecting the worst.

When we got home we showed Logan the new pictures. He carried them around all night and showed everyone. "That's my baby. In Mommy's belly."