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Tuesday, February 5

Pain, Sadness, Joy

Sunday night while playing cards I began to feel cramping but it wasn't painful, just very uncomfortable. It was close to Logan's bedtime so in between one of the rounds I stood up to tell him it was time for bed. I felt this "dropping" sensation and my pants felt instantly wet. I ran upstairs and looked and saw blood - everywhere. I began yelling for Mike to come upstairs and to hurry. He came into the bathroom and the only words I could utter were, "I lost the baby." Mike asked if I was feeling ok and I said yes I felt fine. I began to undress and then climbed into the shower. Mike went downstairs to tell our guests I wasn't feeling well and to put Logan to bed. While I was showering a million thoughts began going through my head.

What had I done wrong? Why me? My pregnancy with Logan went so smoothly, what happened with this one? How can I recover from this? Will I want to get pregnant again? How can I be so sad over someone I never met? Why Me? WHY ME??

Mike waited in the bathroom until I was done. As soon as I came out of the shower he wrapped me in his arms and I just began to sob. I couldn't stop crying and the harder he held me the more I cried. I just wanted to crawl in bed and go to sleep. Only that sleep wouldn't come. As soon as I thought I was ok I would just begin to cry again. My heart was aching and I had no way to fix it.

Monday morning Mike stayed home from work. When I woke up I called the doctor to tell them I needed to come in. When asked why I broke down when I told them I had a miscarriage the previous night. They scheduled me to come in at 1:45 that afternoon. My brother and his friend came over to watch Logan while we went to the doctor. We didn't expect to be that long - what could they do?

While talking with the doctor I explained what had happened - how I knew I had lost the baby. He examined me and said that I had been dialted about 1 cm and my cervix was beginning to close back up. He said from the description Mike & I gave him that it sounded as though I had miscarried but he wanted me to have an ultrasound just to make sure and to see if there was anything remaining that needed to come out. Mike & I shook our heads because we KNEW the ultrasound would show us nothing. I didn't want an ultrasound - why would I want to see where the baby should be, but was now no longer there?

We went back to the waiting room and waited for my name to be called. When we got in the room the ultrasound technician said, "I hear you've had some bleeding." I replied with, "That's an understatement." I didn't expect to see anything good and felt this was such a waste. She put the gel on my belly and as soon as the wand touched my skin we saw something on the monitor. Our baby appeared on the screen, first I saw the head, then a leg, and then I saw an arm. That baby was there and it was moving! I couldn't believe it and I instantly began to cry. She recorded the heartbeat - 167 bpm. As healthy as ever! She knew we weren't expecting that. I couldn't believe it - the joy completely overwhelmed me. She printed out the very first pictures of our little one for us to take.

We met with the doctor one final time and found out that what I experienced was a sort of hemorrage. It happens sometimes to women who are pregnant. The blood was not from the baby or the placenta - it was all mine. It was basically a period that didn't happen. Even the doctor seemed very surprised at the outcome - we were all expecting the worst.

When we got home we showed Logan the new pictures. He carried them around all night and showed everyone. "That's my baby. In Mommy's belly."



Anonymous Jeri said...

Oh, Tanya, I was crying with you as I read this... major kleenex. I am so very, very thankful that you had such a wonderful surprise and that the baby is fine.

I'm not a big hugging person... but in this case, you deserve all you can get. ::hug::

2/05/2008 2:05 PM  
Blogger The Trier and Jen said...

Oh Tanya
this brought memories back for me
I miscarried 15 years ago
I was only 6 weeks preggy but it still hurt(s)
it is so natural to blame ones self

Im so pleased you didnt lose the baby
I am close to tears

bless Mike

awwwwwwww Logan is looking forward to being a big brother :)

I am going to pray regularly between now and your delivery
that all remains well with you and the little baby


2/05/2008 2:58 PM  
Blogger The Trier and Jen said...

whens your due date sweetie?

2/05/2008 3:00 PM  
Blogger The Trier and Jen said...

if you have baby 12 days early he/she will be born on my eldest sons birthday :)

2/05/2008 6:41 PM  
Anonymous Dawn said...

Hugs Hugs and more hugs! I can't even imagine how you felt that night. I'm so happy things are all OK!!!!!!!


2/06/2008 8:47 AM  
Blogger Melissa Markham said...

What a wonderful story. I am so glad all is well with you. And I have more good news, though certainly not on that magnitude!

You won the sample packs of Skin MD from my bloggy giveaway at Email me at melissamarkham(at)takethemat(dot)com with your snail mail addy!

2/06/2008 9:14 PM  
Blogger The Beast Mom said...

My heart dropped out of my chest when I was reading this post. The ending of it though...omg. I was so happy to hear the baby's all ok. And you too. This was like reading a really intense novel in forty seconds.

You take care of yourself. :) I am very excited for you and for M & L too.


2/07/2008 12:35 AM  
Blogger Honor said...

I got tears in my eyes reading this - my heart was aching! How wonderful that everything is ok. I had a similar thing happen when I was pregnant with Steven. I started cramping and bleeding, but everything was fine.On a positive note, because of the bleeding, they kept a closer eye on the pregnancy, with visits every other day for a few weeks, and lots of ultrasounds. They don;t usually do so many ultrasounds, so it was kinda neat to be able to watch Steven developing each week. Anyhow, I'm SO relieved you're both healthy! How are you feeling?

I was thinking about you earlier this week. Our boat show is going on now, which means it was this time last year you and Mike were passing through (we went to the boat show after breakfast).

Hug that Logan for me, and enjoy your weekend!


2/07/2008 10:37 PM  
Blogger Amber said...

Oh, Sweetie. I wish I was there to give you a great big hug. Much love and prayers to you during this terrible time!!!!!

2/08/2008 6:44 AM  
Anonymous ventl8r said...

Holy crap, Tanya!! That's about all I can muster right now. I can't even fathom the sinking feeling of despair. Does this make you high risk?

2/08/2008 11:01 AM  
Blogger Michelle said...

oh my goodness I can't even imagine what you were going through the whole time. What a roller coaster of emotions from extreme low to extreme high and relief! I'm so glad everything is ok with your little bean growing in there! Continued prayers for your pregnancy!

2/08/2008 8:49 PM  
Anonymous Crystal said...

Oh my goodness! i stopped by to thank you for checking on me and here I am...almost in tears! What a rollercoaster! I am so glad your baby is healthy! I have never heard of a hemorrage like that. Let me tell you, I was breathing a sigh of relief to know you saw that hear beating! Congratulations again!


2/10/2008 8:18 PM  

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